I was deeply depressed today but I don't know why. I decided to shut myself again, I realized that there are too many unfairness in the world even though I knew since my mother left us but the feeling becomes stronger.
Am I so disagreeable? When I was studying in primary school, female classmates hated me, gave me eyes, talked behind my back without reasons. I told my father once before, but he said that was my attitude led to these. If I was that bad attitude, how about them? Life was hard that time, I hid myself in library everyday, forced myself to read books so that I could ignore the feeling of left behind. Seeing everyone got their partners around, I pretended that I'm not alone at all. I did try to make things right, I went to sit to them and talked gently, but they still didn't wanted to accept me. I was happy that I finally found a place that could hide me for the 30 minutes long breaks. I seldom talk in my primary school life, some talked to me because they pitied on me.
I remember that's a girl but I've forgotten her name who good to me, but she betrayed me. Like my mother betrayed the whole family! Since then, I hardly trust people, but I still made the same mistake after I entered secondary school life. I believe that there will always be a turning point. I'm wrong after all. Like a moral teacher always say, teenagers like to be in groups, so as I. I turned very badly in the first two years, my father said that I was no hope in everything, so he decided to change a better school for me. The school is for rich children to study, I know money is very important to my whole family, so I changed a lot, I didn't want to waste my father hard earned-money. New school, new life and new people. Again, I shut myself. I made new friends, but when they realized that I wasn't high class as them, they gave the eyes again. I met my best friend in this school, we got our own stories to tell, thanks to enter my life. That's a girl, she looked me from the bottom to the top and to bottom every time I pass by. I was glad that my results turned back good as before. I'm not rich, but at least I've done well in exams which could show off to them indirectly. Ya, scene repeated, I became a library visitor again. Because of them, money becomes the most important thing in my life.
I become defensive after the failure marriage of my parents. I took care of my sister and try to protect her, but I don't think that I've made the best. I fought with a boy who 1 or 2 years older than in bus, because he bullied my sister. I tried to protect others but I don't know how to fight for myself. Some of my ex-boy friends hurt me badly before, but I pretended there was nothing happened. I fall down, I stand up quickly, I don't want let everyone see I'm bleeding, that's a shame to show how pity I am, because I know that's no one to help me out. I believe in love, but I don't think there's miracle for me, I've tried to find, but the results were making my heart into pieces. University life doesn't make my life better, but better than before, I know many friends, but they seem no interest in me. I talk much to get their notices to let them know my present. Well, the relationships with each other are for the purposes, taking benefits from each other. I know, career life is much darker than this.
It's harder for you to find a friend who talks heart to heart as you getting older. Sometimes that's no returns when you treat good to everyone. So why don't just stop treating people good? Why don't just acting cold? Pretend you don't really care of everything, keep your own mouth shut and just do your stuffs?
( I don't know who to talk with and where to express, it's better that write in words and let's nobody knows.)
