Don't leave me alone

  Ah, Monday again, 8 hrs of non-stop lectures and practical totally made me insane, I almost forgot where did I parked my car and I thought it's stolen. I saw brother and her went out the lift together. It's hard to explain the feeling at the moment. Never mind, I don't have time to care. 

  I've hidden him and his friends in Facebook, I learn to not to interest anything they post. Actually, I don't even want to see their faces. I'm going to be sick, hate sore throat. Unfortunately, am going to present this Friday.

  Why there are so many couples beside me? Sometimes they make me feel like want to vomit, sometimes I very admire they've found each other. Oh god, it's still the same, I'm still all alone. Can I hire a boy friend? At least I wont be so lonely.

  Must try not to be used by people, must learn to get strong, must learn to be more independent, must being self-fish all the time.

Can't glue them anymore

   It's seems anything is now turns okay. I talked to my father, and feel all right to talk to him as usual. 

 Finally, I've no more feeling on him, but I missed him. I allowed myself to miss him, but also forgot after missing him. 

  

  He won't worry me anymore, but I won't worry about this.

  This morning, I saw the car in front of me was filled with teddy bears inside. I was wondering why girls like to put toys in their cars? I hate those things with fur in my room and car. My friend said it made people feel safe. What?! Then I answered her, money $$$ makes me feel more safe than bears. 

  I only had 2 pieces of sandwiches and milk for my breakfast, and I had to stay until 4pm. Some of my friends said I'm hard-working, some thought  that I'm crazy and some thought that I'm making myself miserable. Well, no words to these.

  My brother chatted with me, he said he wanna be a playboy and going to hurt people's feeling. He was that serious and I was fully believed it! I convinced him not to, because I know how's it feel after those bastards cheating on me. I was wounded and my heart broken into pieces.  I glued them up again and again, because I still believe there will be a man for me to love and he loves me too. I remembered one of my secondary school friends told me these during a conversation outside classroom, " Ya, you can stand up after you fell, you can have a new life, you can glue those pieces up; but if the heart continue to break, like you break the vase many times, it's broken until you unable to glue the pieces up again."  Everything got its own limitation, may be one day I won't be that tough anymore because I cant glue them.

  Someone can be evil all the time because the world is too evil to us. Be evil, sometimes brings benefits, evil in particular things not in feelings. If not, you're just making people's lives meaningless, hard and miserable. I'm great that I'm still alive and didn't do any stupidity that makes me regret.

This is not so right

   Having a good time with brother and a friend in McDonald during my 3 hours break. Well, I got the chance to watch "Glee" through my brother's lap top but someone was making so much noise. I wanted to tell that he should shut up. I wanna to tell him:" Hello~ if you really want to give comment on this show, after this please." Never mind, I wasn't so angry about this.

   

   I heard that my chem tutor is going to Melaka and will not be teaching us, shocked, I gonna miss her. Also, I hope my next tutor will be a good one.

  My dad asked me to go out with him to pay the bill. We were so quiet along the way. He asked, I answered, but coldly. I don't know why I acted like this towards him, I think twice before I answered his questions, it's like I have to be careful my words. I couldn't stop thinking about the incidents that had happened last week along the way. I know he's alone, I know i shouldn't act this way,as a daughter, it's so wrong to act this way to a father.

  I'm really confused, I don't know what to do next, I couldn't stop my tears from falling out of my eyes. I want to forgive him but I can't, I'm freaking scare, it's like I lost trust on him. This is really not so right......

   Please, can someone tells me what should I do?

Life is live with so much possibilities; Tomorrow will be a better day!

  I didn't post any blog within these few days, I was in desperation, I felt that even though I write blog also can't help me much. I cried last Friday, because of something happened. I couldn't believe my own dad who I truly trusted had answered me like that. That's really hurt me, my mother had already dumped us, the guy I like turned his back on me and my father...... I only have my father to rely on, but now I feel the world had already left me, that's nobody here for me, I'm all alone after all.

  I didn't talk to my father these few days, I'm scare, I'm afraid that I'm telling somethings to him, the next minutes he break it to all. I got my own privacy as does my sister too, we have our own pride too. 

  

  I felt better after meeting my best friend the next day, but I still couldn't get rid of the desperation. I know I must think positively, what I need is time to cure my wounds, I believe that they'll seal one day. 

  I told my friend that I felt that I've lost myself , but I promised that ME will be back soon.

  I think about these today. Life is live with so much possibilities, so that I shall live my life with hopes not desperate, I can go on my life without you. 

  Let's think these ways. May be I'll meet someone better in this sem or may be next sem or in degree course or in my career life. Possible. May be I'll date with a white person from oversea. Possible. May be I'll make friend with those nice guys and girls. Possible. May be I'm not attractive in physical appearances nor personalities, so what? The most important thing is I'm happy with my life. I am what I am, if you aren't happy with me, that's your problem, because you just lose a nice friend like me.

(Hahaha, PS: PLS DON'T ANGRY WITH THESE STATEMENT)

  I must move forward, keep moving forward. Although, the road is dark enough that I can't see the figure in front and I'm on this road all by myself , I won't fall, I won't cry until I reach there. I should happy that you've been with me on this road, and dumped me at the half way, but at least you've been accompanied me to walk on this road. May be there's a guy waiting me in front there. Possible.

  Feel much better after writing so much nonsenses here, I'll be okay the next morning.  Life is live with so much possibilities, so that I should live my life with hopes, I hope that tomorrow will be a better day!

   

Fall Down, I'll learn how to get up! I'm tougher than you think I am

  I'm glad that a lot of my friends accompanied me the whole day, i didn't feel so lonely. Having same class with bro, mumbling to him the whole lecture, really felt sorry about that, must learn to be silent.

  Bro asked me for going to Mcd, I promised at the 1st time, but he then told me that he's going too,then I rejected. But I realized I don't know what to do in my 3 hours break, so I said I'm going too.  This is the 1st time I met his friend, much different from the photo, but I don't really care,but still great to meet him). I didn't talk to him much today, because I felt like I didn't want to communicate with him at all. So, I was just busy fb-ing, watching video and chatting with my bro and a friend.
  
  On the way back to home, my friend told me that if you love someone so much, you'll accept the truly him. Well, I wasn't so agree with this statement she has made, so I gave some examples that made her laughed so laugh and almost knocked her head. 
 
  Having good time with my best friend this evening, feel much better after meeting her, my insecurity just gone like that, amazing! 

  I'm not the lucky-person in relationship. I always get heart broken, but if I fall, I'll get up faster! I'm much tougher than you think I am.
 

I hate myself

  Got no good mood today, though I chatted with friends happily and made them laugh but I still not happy. I met him today, but the feeling's gone. He didn't talk to much with me, even a smile. I could feel the cold between both him and me. I shouldn't find him as what I've posted the previous post, but I didn't make it and I very regret what I've done.

  I really hate myself being so active, hate myself being so talkative, hate being so generous, hate to be so helpful and kind! I hate myself being so slutty!!! 

  After I've finished my last class I saw brother outside, talked to him for a while, complained about my tutor who so damn mean and thought herself so "intelligent"! Sometimes, I really admire my brother's characteristics, acts no worry, being so calm and quiet.

A natural actor which I shall call him. May be I should change my own personality, I don't want to be so kind to people, because I can't feel any feedback when I'm being so good to people. I know sometimes it's good and not wondering feedback from other when you help them. I just want some cares, let me know that I'm still in your hearts. I feel so lonely where ever I am, no messages, no friends and that make me mad. Gonna back to my own world, loneness and silence are waiting for me, can't let them wait too long.

I'm lost

 I decided what I want to be,

I want to be cold one......

Devil. 

  
 

I don't want care anymore!

  Sunday, I woke up in the morning and started workong like an aunty, washing clothes,fetching kids,sweeping and mopping floor and other stuffs. I can smell the odor from my body now.

  

  I pretended to be very busy these few days (by the way, i indeed busy), just to prevent myself to think about you and sms you. Well, I didn't receive any message from you these few days. May be you aren't like me at all. Why I am the one who always find you 1st? Plus, waiting for your class end? How stupid I am!

  

  From now on, I don't want to care anymore! I won't start sms you, unless you find me. I won't let myself thinking about you, I won't waiting for you. I'll let myself busy and busy!

  I know my world is going to b lonely again, but your presence didn't make it any better.

Family gathering

  What a tiring day, I fetched my sister down to KL and picked up my aunt to see doctor together, my younger sister's sick. What I remember now is that I was driving the whole day, exhausted.

  

  I saw a baby girl in the clinic, she's so cute, she patted on the wall like she was going to discover something. Then, she smiled at me with her 2 newly-born teeth and I'd attracted by her. I heard a baby crying inside the room, then I looked back searching for the baby girl just now, realized that she's already went inside. Haha, she was smiling when waiting for the doctor (i think she didn't even know she's going to see doc); was crying out of the room. Funny~

  

  My aunt told us that we as women, have to take really care during and after the pregnancy. Even though I don't like kids much, but I must have the knowledge in this field, so I can take care my sis in future. (PS: Thanks to my mother who abandoned us 13 years ago, thanks to her that made our lives without cares and knowledge which that girls' should know.)

  After seeing the doc, I fetched my sis to her tuition center then back home. Switched on my lap top for few hours, I again went out to fetch my sis back from tuition. 

  We all went to my grandmother's house for dinner.I hate family gathering. Why adults like to make comparisons among children? This behavior had influenced me that I can't lose. I want everything of mine in perfect. Sometimes, I hope my dad can keep his mouth shut. Not everyone like to know that his or her problems/sickness/secrets/embarrassments to be known in public, friends or relatives. He thought that was funny, but what he didn't know was he was hurting people. Other relatives started commented on my poor sister especially my another aunt who always looked down at others. I really want to say out loud about stop talking our privacy at him, but i didn't. From now on, I mustn't share any more with him.  I'm not going for the family gathering next time.

 


 

   

Unsafe

  I couldn't sleep last night, so i decided to do my homework instead. I only slept 3 hours for the whole night and woke up late this early morning. I don't like to be late, it isn't a good habit. My friend's brother may get late to school because of me.

  I kinda miss my friends from last sem, but I don't know if they feel the same way as me.I couldn't feel the joy in this sem, only stress. My lessons end at 5pm and have to rush to work after that. I did not have a nap, even just for 5mins of the whole day long.

  The last tutorial class, boring. The tutor was so damn slow and poor explanation.  Class ended, I rushed to get my car, before I walked out of the campus, I saw fewer cars parked on the road, felt strange that there were too many empty parking. Although I parked my car not far away from campus, I felt unsafe when I went to get my car all alone and the 1st time I felt so lonely. My friend went back home earlier than me, same as others, they're all gone. Even him ended class earlier too. It's like the whole world have left me behind. It's not I was being dependent,  but the feelings just came out uncontrolled.